Today I have been sitting in complete disconnection, and I have been here to a lesser degree over the past week or so. I have been feeling disconnected from…everything, including myself.
Spiritually, emotionally and physically.
So this statement really hit me when I heard it, It resonated so strongly that I was pulled to write about how I am feeling right now in my own state of disconnection.
You know, if I am being brutally honest about it, this is a pattern for me. Deep level connection has always been a challenge.
I connect quickly and easily with people but I really struggle with allowing myself to connect on a deeper level with those that I meet socially.
My kids, a couple of friends from highschool and my clients are different, they are my sweet spot of connection. I am 100% clear on my purpose as a mother and as a coach. I am totally congruent with who I am in these relationships so they come with true ease and flow.
Something else I have observed about myself over the last couple months is that I am a connector (another pattern). As I look v=back over the past few years I can see how many people and groups of people I have connected to each other…and I now understand that too is part of my bigger purpose.
As for myself though I have many acquaintances but allow very few people in my inner circle. Yet this is why I desire…an inner circle of people that I can be totally free to be myself in every way.
I have, several times in the last 3-4 years, intentionally set out to find individuals and groups of people that I felt would be easy for me to spend time with, become friends with. Yet, I have not found my soul sisters, a group of people that I feel as open and connected to s I do with my kids and my clients. To trust that is showing up again now for a specific reason. The reason is because I am still playing it safe, still acting small.
A friend has a saying for how I am feeling right now and it goes something like this – We go low right before we grow!
This feeling discomfort, of sinking low, feeling disconnected…is a gift. It means that I am ready to release the current version of me into the next, expansive version of me.
The disconnection externally is an invitation for me too create a deeper connection within myself. To create time and space to get to know myself even better. To look at my shadows and offer them light.
To sit in the discomfort and disconnection.
Not to push it down, hide it away, or pretend it isn’t there.
To allow it to show up in whatever manner it needs to so that I can see the gift it is presenting to me.
A gift to learn from, not to run from.
Something that showed up so that I would have to question myself and what I choose.
I mean really choose. To be consciously aware of how I am feeling, what my thoughts are and how I will decide to handle this circumstance.
To allow the disconnection to remain as long as it needs to, so that I can feel into it as deeply as I need to to find the root of this discomfort so I can pull it and replant a new belief.
A sweet smelling rose rather than an inharmonious weed.
To allow what is right now so that I can be what I am to become.
Allow everything to just be…to be okay right here, right now.
To be what it is, nothing less and nothing more.
To allow the pain of disconnection so that I might know the pleasure of fulfillment.