WHO AM I???
Often times to figure this out we first have to learn who we are not!
I’ve been on a journey of self discovery for the past 4!years trying to answer this very question.
Sometimes it’s easy to answer and I think I know exactly who I am and then come the best days…the days I get triggered HARD!
These days show me the parts of me that I don’t really like and would prefer not to see but that’s exactly why these days are the BEST days.
If you’ve followed me for any length of time you know that I believe triggers are one of our greatest gifts. A trigger shows us exactly what we need to heal within ourselves.
I was at a family function and I was triggered HARD… by judgement that came from so many people about something they knew nothing about and yet acted as though they were intimately knowledgeable about the inside details that only those involved know for sure.
I ended up leaving early because I was so disturbed by the behaviour of so many relatives. Now – let me say that this has NOTHING to do with them and EVERYTHING to do with ME! I take 100% responsibility for everything in my life as well as how I respond to people, events, circumstance and situations.
I drove home in deep reflection. This trigger had taken me back to my childhood when this same group of people judged my family – and as a very young child, that internalized to judgement of self.
I had to admit that there have been so many times in my life where I sat in judgement of others but what I understand now, at a visceral level, is that I judged to avoid the fear of being judged.
The world is a mirror of our own projections! So in other words – to be triggered by judgement means that I am still sitting in a space of judgement myself.
This is NOT who I want to be, this is not who I AM!
I continue to do the inner work, to release all the old belief patterns that no longer serve me, and to own responsibility for everything I see, feel and encounter in the world.
This is how true change happens, in the trenches of everyday life. When you are willing to look at your own stuff, pull it out of the shadows and into the light, to sit with it, feel it and then surrender it to a higher power to be transcended.
I AM far from a place of true enlightenment but I AM perfectly imperfect, I AM learning as I go, a work in progress, and doing my best everyday to find out who I really want to be each day.
I have died 100 deaths already as I shed the old and rise up anew in the spirit of the Phoenix!
I am not for everyone, I can be too much for many people – too bold, too truthful, too outspoken. Sometimes too loud, too cranky, too protective, or so many other things.
But here is what I know.
I AM ME
And I’m learning to be all of me unapologetically whether other people like me or not because I AM not for everyone and that my friend is OKAY!